jaclcfrost:

how i deal with my feelings

  • never talk about them
  • barely acknowledge them
  • hope they go away
  • i don’t, basically
  • that’s what i’m saying
  • i do not deal with my feelings

“Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation.
Depression is humiliating.
If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too.
Depression is humiliating.
No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.”

Note to self: find some time to look up the definition of friend. I’m having a hard time understanding that persons duties.

Sworn into secrecy

My happiness can not be displayed openly for it will tarnish her. I was not told that I couldn’t do so,I just knew.

I’ve joined the group without being initiated. I wasn’t told there was a group of secrecy, I just knew there was one secretly.

I didn’t ask to be a secret. I don’t want to feel like I’m outside looking within. I didn’t ask to be the one hiding in the shadow. No one said I was, I just knew.

She’s right you know. I’ll never fit in. She didn’t have to say it out loud, I just knew I wouldn’t fit in.

I must admit my anxiety gets the best of me

It’s when you hold eye contact for that second too long or maybe the way you laugh. It sets off a flash and our memories take a picture of who we are at that point when we first know “This is love.”
And we clutch that picture to our hearts because we expect each other to always be the people in that picture. But people change. People aren’t pictures. And you can either take a new picture or throw the old one away.
― Iain Thomas - I Wrote This For You (via psych-facts)
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